guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
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