I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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