FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
