If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
