I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
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