The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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