I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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