wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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