she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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