I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
