Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
