I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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