what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
