You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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