It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Randomize
