i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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