i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I need a burrito and a hug.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
