I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
