you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
