This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
