Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
