whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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