Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
