the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
