I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm like, not good at living.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
