I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
