My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
