For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
