I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
