I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
