have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
