so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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