oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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