She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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