I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
