It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Randomize
