im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
