I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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