i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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