My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
