nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
