Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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