I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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