i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I can't put those talents on a resume
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
