Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
