I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
