I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
