she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
