Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
