I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
