so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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