So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Randomize
