there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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